Social Media

Social Media, the Social Mind and Social Thinking

By Michelle Garcia Winner

They say the two things we can't avoid in life are death and taxes. Actually, there's a third thing – social skills. Throughout life we are surrounded by people. Those people have thoughts and emotions about those with whom they share space. For us all to feel safe and meet our immediate goals, we depend on other people to regulate their behavior in a manner that allows that to happen. In turn, we know we have to do the same.

Whether we are walking down a street, waiting in a doctor's office, or eating at a restaurant, our ability to do the things we need to do is dependent on those who are near us. We don't expect a stranger to walk up and hug us, the people waiting in the doctor's office to yell at us, or for diners in the restaurant to walk by our table and take the uneaten food off our plate as we leave our table. How is it that we all cooperate so well together? We use a hard-wired part of our brain called our social mind.

Without your active awareness, when you are in the company of others there's another social goal operating in the background: that people won't have weird or uncomfortable thoughts about you. We like people to have normal or even good thoughts about us. To achieve this goal we monitor what we're doing, what we're saying, the nonverbal messages we're sending with our eyes, our gestures, or our body language, and adjust as needed. We self-regulate our behaviors.

Inside our minds, however, we may not be as cool, calm, or collected as our bodies may suggest. Our minds may be filled with activity – not only about what's happening in the situation, but also with thoughts about how to behave so we don't stand out in a negative way. This process is the heart of what I describe as using your "Social Thinking and related social skills." Many people might call this being polite. But the behaviors associated with politeness are a subset of skills associated with a larger social concept that requires us to think about what other people expect from us and how they are thinking about us – which takes us right back to social thinking.

Maybe you never gave this idea much thought. For most of us, our everyday social thinking and social learning happens without a lot of serious contemplation. If you're still unsure about how this social driving force relates to you, then try this: next time you're in line at the grocery store, don't just stand there. You need to check out; it's your goal, so go for it. Totally disregard what others might think. If there are people in line in front of you, jump ahead of them. Push their groceries aside and unload your own. If you're really into this experiment, look at them all and announce, "I just hate waiting in line, so I get to go first!" Do your thing; it's all about you!

If even the thought of doing this makes you cringe, think about why you're having that reaction. Why not get your needs met before and above others? Notice all the thoughts and perhaps uncomfortable feelings just thinking about this situation induces. Notice that you do care about what others think and feel about you, and that you also have definite ideas of what people should/should not do in a situation like this. You hold expectations about what we call "social behavior" and you expect others to know about this too. People use self-control to help each other stay comfortable!

Our Social Mind

Our social thinking abilities are part of our social-emotional intelligence. This intelligence is neurologically based and is constantly evolving from birth.

Just as infants are born with the ability to learn to roll over, crawl and walk, they are also born with social neurology that encourages them to attend to people's faces – one of the earliest demonstrations of a developing social intelligence. By 12 months old children are able to follow the eyes of adults to figure out what they are looking at and know that tells them something about what they are thinking about. This emerging social understanding leads to them making guesses about what will happen next in their environment. For example, a one-year-old sits in a high chair and watches his mom open the refrigerator door. The baby gets excited knowing she is about to get fed.

The growth of the social mind is remarkable. This early investigation of faces segues into learning about the interrelationship between thoughts, feelings, and behavior. By the end of the fourth year of life, if given the opportunity, most children will be able to share an imagination with their peers, cooperate, negotiate, problem solve, communicate, and even collaborate to engage in pretend play. Research (Lockhart, 2010; Bergen, 2002; Wolfberg, 2003) supports the importance of peer play in helping all children learn to develop critical thinking and problem solving skills. Peer play also helps students learn how to work as part of a group and take directions from their classroom teachers. As the social mind evolves, we are able to interpret motives, understand our own and others' emotions, develop empathy and deeper social relationships. It is our social thinking that also helps us succeed in school. We use our social thinking to interpret and respond to different parts of our academic curriculum, such as reading comprehension of literature, written expression, and organizational skills.

Social-Emotional Intelligence

For decades, social emotional intelligence has received too little credit as a life skill. We often refer to it as a "soft skill" - running in the background and providing us with silent directions but not something to really take note of. Today, we realize it is so much more, and a realm of processing that may even be more important to our success in life than the "book learning" we prize so highly (Goleman, 2006).

Think about the act of conversing with others. Conversations provide a platform to share our stories and experiences. When we describe something that happened to us, people connect to us through their own thoughts and emotions. We also explore each other's point of view and find ways we can relate in spite of some of our differences. As we emotionally connect to others we feel better; not only about that person but about ourselves. We are emotional animals. People we call our friends are people who make us feel good about ourselves over time.

Our experiences relating, good and bad, help us learn to navigate through the more difficult moments of life and be better able to negotiate and solve problems in our work and home environments.

However,

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